Today is Saturday – day 11 on Suprecur – and the last few days have been up and down. Work has continued to be a good way of keeping my mind from wandering, albeit my concentration has been much poorer than usual, so the evenings have been harder.
Wednesday I started to feel less depressed and Thursday I was practically normal, even fairly positive about the whole situation. I started to think the 45 per cent chance of a live birth probably doesn’t even apply to me, seeing as I personally have no issues (that we so far know of I suppose). I’d like to know the percentage of success is in couples that have our exact problem – anti-sperm antibodies – as technically it’s just an issue with getting the swimmer inside the egg and surely that’s not as bad as having a dodgy womb? I’ve clung on to that and I generally have more thoughts that this might actually result in me being pregnant than I did this time last week.
Yesterday I was ok for most of the day, but started to dip in the afternoon. A work colleague is leaving for the states and when I said farewell after a drink meet up I had to fight back the tears. By the time I got home the black cloud was forming fast and when texting a friend telling him how I was coping, I just felt worse and worse. Maybe I’m doing it to myself – am I in a self-perpetuating depression?
This morning I was ok but spoke to a friend on the phone and it didn’t take long to be in floods after she asked how I had been feeling. I mentioned missing our friend Ollie, who we lost 6 months ago, and this was the trigger. Again. While she has never wanted children, and said she didn’t think she could understand as much as others perhaps could, she does get the hormonal rollercoaster from knowing others who have taken various drugs for various conditions. It was good to talk to her and I was laughing by the end of the conversation; I was a different person by the end of that one hour chat.
I’ve felt very can’t be arsed today – couldn’t even be fucked about the allotment, which is most unusual – and didn’t get dressed until I went out to see another friend at 3pm. I found out she was pregnant yesterday (oh, was that the turning point in my day yesterday? Hmm? Obvious now perhaps) and haven’t seen her for a while so wanted to catch up. That’s the third fairly close friend that’s currently expecting – 25 Dec, 10 Jan and 2 March – and while there is a little bit of ‘it’s not fair’ inside, I’m completely happy for them, want to know the ins and outs, and be there for them. I can’t understand anyone being so jealous they would lose friends over it.
Anyway, it was so super to see her and I enjoyed my afternoon… and then felt shitty when I got home. I hadn’t eaten all day so was a bit cranky because of that too, but couldn’t be bothered to make anything and I suggested to my husband we go out to grab dinner. We hardly spoke. Silence is just the norm now.
I have now considered in more detail that maybe it isn’t work helping to keep my mind off things, maybe it’s just that I’m better when not with my husband. I feel horrible typing this, but I am trying to use this blog to be honest about my feelings, however false and created by the hormone drugs the feelings really are.
Postscript: Just want to confirm that I’m pretty sure it was the hormones that gave me faux feelings of anxiety, depression and being utterly alone, but on this day of writing it was so important for me to have an outlet.
In the past 8 or 9 days of the treatment I have just not spoken to him very much and I’ve appreciated that he’s left me alone too. Tonight I was snappy and felt angry towards him and I’m not sure if this is something new or that if I had been speaking much to him over previous days, I would have treated him that way. Have I been keeping my head down to avoid an inevitable argument and me saying things that would upset him? Maybe that and I just haven’t had any need to interact with him.
It strikes me as this silence and anger could be perfectly normal (please comment below by all means) but at the same time I have this notion that loving couples going through IVF all over the world are supporting each other. I’m not being supported but I kind of don’t want to be. He gave me a cuddle this morning in bed for the first time in days and days and I didn’t really want it. I’ve taken to cuddling my soft toy, Lambie, – yes a lamb – again when I go to sleep. I’ve had him since I was 1 day old and is my comforter. I want to hug him more than my husband. I’d sleep in the spare room if I didn’t think it would start world war 3. I feel like an utter bitch, both selfish and without need of him. Shit. Could this be even half normal?
Postscript: Considering this in more detail with hindsight I think it was normal for me, and I still stand by there must be women and men all over the place who have similar feelings (and feel guilty about feeling them). I know me and when I’m upset and depressed I keep it in, and have always for some reason had difficultly talking to my husband in particular. The biggest example of this was when my Grandad died and I went totally koo koo a few weeks later. I’m aware nobody understands your feelings but yourself, so I take it to the extreme.
The only other person going through this with me – well, apart from he isn’t sticking his legs every day and going half mad with hormones – is the only person I can’t talk to about going through it. I don’t know how to make it better between us. I don’t know how to say the kind of things to him that I’m typing now. I don’t want to say them because it will hurt him and I really don’t want to do that. He must have his own pain (although he would never admit it, tell me or explain those feelings) and I don’t want to make it worse. I think (and hope) that ALL of this is the drugs acting as puppet master, but I have to wonder what if it’s not… then what? Fuck.
Today I uploaded our recent holiday photos to Facebook. We only came back 3 weeks ago! What’s ironic is that it was the first holiday where we didn’t have one argument, I was really happy being with him and we had a really good laugh. It feels a world away.
Postscript: Again, just to reterate it was being full of hormones that made me so confused and I know I upset him more than I can understand, just as he could never understand my pain. I’m more than happy with my lot, love my husband dearly and am looking forward to our next holiday in Madeira… the last one we’ll probably have on our own for about 18 years!